Road to Asgard
by LoquaciousQuibbler
Summary: Thor and Loki, stripped of their powers and memories, are banished to Midgard… to the age of the Vikings. Living as tricky con artists, they are bound to get into trouble… like perhaps stowing away on a ship and discovering the wonders of the New World… perhaps being mistaken for the Norse gods of thunder and mischief? The Road to Eldorado with Thor and Loki as Miguel and Tulio.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Fallen from Grace

"Oh, bloody bilgesnipe," Odin muttered distastefully as he sat on his throne.

His one eye surveyed the four figures before him as they approached. Two were guards, flanking the other two figures. And the other two figures… were the princes of Asgard, Thor and Loki. They were slouched and limping, but there were sheepish grins on their faces. They were covered in filth, their skin marred with innumerable tiny cuts, and their hair and clothes were mussed.

Odin sighed as the guards escorted them to the base of the steps up to the throne, and then left the two princes standing by themselves, not looking up to meet their father's gaze. The king shook his head. Their appearances perfectly matched that of the havoc they had wreaked this time…

The throne room was trashed. There were cracks in the marble floor, and the curtains that had once framed the windows were now either in heaps on the floor or hanging haphazardly from the wall. The windows themselves were cracked or smashed. The throne itself was fine… but only because Odin had ordered that it immediately be cleaned and set upright once again that morning. The rest of the palace was in a similar condition… utterly wrecked. And the culprits currently stood before the king, unabashed grins on their royal faces.

Odin merely surveyed them for a moment. He knew they would not regret their actions… they never regretted their actions. Not in all the times he had scolded them and demand they change their behavior… never once had they cared. Yes, this had happened before… countless times. And the Allfather had had enough of it. He had had enough of his sons' antics. And simply confining them to their quarters would not do… something more had to be done about Thor and Loki's troublemaking.

"Thor, Loki, what do you have to say for yourselves?" he boomed out finally, unable to contain his rage anymore.

Thor winced at his father's loud voice. "Please, Father, not so loud… my head still hurts from the ale last night."

"As it should!" Odin said bitterly. "Now what have you to say for yourselves?"

Loki smirked. "At least this time the ceiling didn't collapse?" he suggested with a wicked grin.

Thor guffawed, and Loki winced.

"Really, brother, laugh a little quieter; my head hurts, too," Loki muttered, rubbing his temples.

Odin glared. "I am putting a stop to this terrible behavior _right now," _he spat.

Loki and Thor exchanged smirks. "What is it this time?" Thor sighed. "Perhaps the dungeons?"

"Odin growled. "I have had enough of your flippant remarks and unruly behavior… I am not going to put up with this any longer. I have decided that you two shall no longer be my problem."

The brothers raised their eyebrows curiously. Their father had never said anything like this before… what was he planning, exactly? Surely nothing that would actually put a stop to their antics for good?

Odin, a short time later, was leading the princes into the Observatory on the Rainbow Bridge. He greeted Heimdall with a curt nod. Heimdall nodded gravely back, already aware of the king's plan for the ornery princes. The princes, confused, exchanged looks before returning their gazes to their father.

Odin sighed irately and glared at his disrespectful heirs.

"You will learn to fend for yourselves. You will learn to not always live so frivolously, my sons." Odin paused and sighed. "I am banishing you both to Midgard until I see fit."

Thor and Loki blinked in shock. They looked at each other, their heads suddenly clear and all symptoms of their hangover forgotten.

"You're banishing us to Midgard?" Thor exclaimed. "You cannot—"

"I can, and I am," Odin snapped, cutting off his son's protest. "Furthermore, you shall not have your godly powers or strength. You shall have no memory of your life here. You will live as humans. You will make your own living, and bail yourselves out of trouble instead of relying on me," he growled. "I, Odin Allfather, hereby take away your power… and cast you out!"

There was a flash of blinding multicolored light as Heimdall activated the Byfrost, and the princes disappeared, still stunned, and no longer of god status. But then they were gone, sucked into the portal to their new lives.

"Are you sure these measures are wise, Allfather?" Heimdall asked in his rumbling voice as the light faded.

Odin sighed regretfully. "It is the only way… they shall still have each other. They will recall their brotherhood bond. They shall have their friendship… they shall have their personalities. They shall have their skills. They shall just not have their powers or memories of Asgard."

Heimdall chuckled humorlessly. "They're going to die, my king." He shook his head and turned his gaze on the realm of the humans.

The two ex-gods and princes had landed, confused and disoriented, in a grassy field not far from a town, and close to the dark, cold sea. Their clothes had been replaced with that of the mortals', and they did not appear to be angry… merely confused. The two glanced at each other and grinned.

"Don't remember what happened last night, do you, Loki?" Thor asked brightly, shaking his head and standing. He wore a shirt of red cloth and pants of tan material. A wooden mallet swung from the belt at his waist rather than the mighty Mjolnir.

Loki hummed in assent and stood as well. He wore a green shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and black pants and a black vest. "No, don't recall in the least… Though I'm guessing it involved ale."

"Well, Loki, what's the plan for today?" Thor asked with a yawn.

Loki frowned and rubbed his chin. "I don't know… swindling, I'd suppose… we don't have any money, do we?"

The two checked their pockets. Nothing.

"Yes, I'd say perhaps we should swindle someone into giving us a bit of loot," Loki nodded.

Heimdall sighed and returned his gaze to Asgard. "Bad news, my king… they have not seemed to have lost their taste for tricking and joking. I believe they have now given a new meaning to the phrase 'thick as thieves'. They have landed in Scandinavia… and they seem to think they are con artists."

Odin scoffed. "We'll see just how long they last before they learn a little humility, Gatekeeper." He swept out of the Observatory with that last statement, and went back to the palace.

Heimdall decided he should keep an eye on the ex-princes… they were bound to get into trouble... and lots of it.

**Note from LoquaciousQuibbler: Hello, all **** This story is being published after my best friend and I discussed at length how much Loki and Thor are like our two favorite con artists from The Road to El Dorado, Miguel and Tulio. We've all seen those hilarious Facebook/Tumblr posts about it… But I was shocked to find that (as far as I know) there is no actual fan fiction on it. So, behold! The Road to Asgard. **

**This fic will mainly be The Road to El Dorado movie, in a written work, with everything Norse-ified, and characters from Avengers taking the place of characters from the movie. **

**I hope you all will enjoy it… please favorite, follow, and review. **


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Loaded Dice

Thor and Loki had spent somewhere around a Midgardian year on the realm, living as humans would. All they had with them when they arrived in Midgard was their brotherly bond… which wasn't worth very much. They had had to rely on their wits to help them get by. But they had at least been doing that rather well.

"Seven!" Loki cried in triumph as the dice rolled out to a three and four, winning them another small pile of gold coins.

"Yes!" Thor exclaimed, throwing his fist in the air.

"Alright!" Loki grinned. "Brothers!"

Thor began strumming his lyre in celebration, and he and Loki strutted victoriously around the small village square once, chanting "Tons of gold for you! Tons of gold for me! Tons of gold for we!" over and over again until the burly Viking they were playing against interrupted them.

"Oi! Hey! _Hey!" _he shouted gruffly.

Thor and Loki paused, breaking off in their merrymaking to glance at the man.

The Viking pointed at them with a single finger. "_One more roll," _he barked.

Thor smirked, and Loki scoffed.

"Um… _you're broke!" _the raven-haired man exclaimed. He picked up several of the gold coins he and his brother had won and let them fall through his fingers. "You have nothing to bet with!" He rubbed his thumbs against his fingertips to illustrate his empty hands.

The Viking grunted. "Oh, yeah?" He challenged. He reached back into his fur cape and produced a rolled up piece of parchment. "I have _this." _He dropped it on top of the pile of gold.

"A map?" Loki asked unimpressedly, raising an eyebrow disdainfully.

Thor, however, had brightened and stepped forward. "A map?" he sounded far more excited than Loki about the revelation.

The Viking nodded gravely. "A map… to the wonders of the New World."

Loki looked unconvinced, but Thor grinned broadly.

"Hmm… let's have a look," he muttered, eyes shining.

The map was unrolled, and Thor's eyes widened. "Loki, look!" the blonde snatched the map and shoved it in Loki's face.

Loki batted Thor's hands away with a huff. Thor's shoving it in his face had created a number of wrinkles on the middle of the map. Loki grabbed the paper from his brother's grasp and gave him a death glare. He glanced up at the Viking and cleared his throat. "Excuse us… for one moment?"

He straightened the map with a _snap _and looked over it.

Thor was practically exploding with anticipation now. "Look, Loki!" he gestured to the map, from the first marker shown on it to the end. "Norumbega! City of Riches! This could be our destiny; our fate!" He looked at Loki expectantly.

Loki rolled his eyes. "Thor… if I believed in fate, then I wouldn't be playing with _loaded dice." _He opened his fist, containing the dice they had been playing the Viking with. Indeed, the dice rolled out to seven even in Loki's hand.

Thor made a face, disappointed with his brother. "Mmm…" Loki remained stoic, giving Thor a blank look. Thor pressed his hands together in plea and widened his eyes, pursing his lips innocently. He batted his eyes and hummed pitifully. Loki clenched his jaw.

"No, Thor, quit it with your pathetic face," Loki snapped, planting his hand on Thor's forehead and shoving him back. "No!"

"I said one more roll!" the Viking growled threateningly. "My map… against your cash."

Thor and Loki both glanced down at their large pile of gold they had already won, then at the map. Thor grinned and nudged his brother. Loki sighed, looking down at the loaded dice in his hand.

Thor bounced excitedly and gave Loki one last pleading look.

Loki nodded. "Very well. You're on." He smirked and prepared to toss the dice.

But the Viking raised his hand in a gesture of halting. "_Not _with those," he smiled slightly. Loki froze and stared. "This time… we use _my _dice," he grinned savagely.

Thor and Loki gulped in unison and looked at each other worriedly. Loki narrowed his eyes at his brother, as if to say, 'this is your fault, you know.'

"Got a problem with that?" The Viking raised an eyebrow.

The brothers slowly shook their heads. Loki snatched the dice from the Viking's open hand and then turned to Thor. He brought his face very close to Thor's, and he hissed very quietly, "I… am… going… to…" he took this opportunity to grab Thor's wooden mallet from his brother's belt, and he bopped him over the head with it just hard enough to make him stagger slightly. "_Kill you!" _he finished with a snarl.

Thor blinked dizzily. "…Me?"

Loki replied only with a threatening look and then looked down at the non-loaded pair of dice in his hands. His eye twitched slightly as Thor picked up his lyre again and began strumming on it. Thor drew very close to Loki, playing right in his ear. Loki turned and gave his brother the evil eye, and Thor backed away quickly, choosing instead to rub up against a woman and play for her. She giggled, evidently enjoying Thor's lyre-playing far more than Loki had. Loki gritted his teeth, strode over to Thor, and grabbed Thor's wooden mallet again. He then tapped hard on the body of the little instrument, and the vibrations made it impossible for Thor to play. Thor abruptly stopped and glared at Loki as the woman he had been playing for walked away. Loki merely stuck out his tongue.

"Now," he muttered, no longer distracted by Thor's incessant strumming. "Show…me… seven!" he spat, shaking and then tossing the dice.

Everyone watching fell silent, leaning in close to see what happened. The pair of dice rolled on the ground, clicking as they tumbled over and over each other…

The first came to a stop on three… and the second die spun on one corner for what seemed to defy the not-yet-established-in-the-Viking-age laws of physics. But then the little cube fell onto its flat side, showing the number…

The crowd let out cries of shock, and Loki and Thor, who had been clutching each other sadly and burying their faces in each other's shoulders, dared to look. Thor's face brightened considerably, and Loki's mouth dropped open. The second die had landed on a four… which meant they had gotten… seven. Which meant they had won.

Loki blinked and bent down to look at the dice carefully. "Seven!" he said delightedly. "Ha! There it is!" He and Thor dropped to the ground and began scooping up their gold, and Thor snatched the map to Norumbega. "It's been absolutely a _pleasure _playing with you," Loki grinned and winked at the furious Viking. "But I think it's time we go now…"

As he started to stand up, his pair of loaded dice fell from their pocket in his vest and rolled out on the ground in front of the Viking… who paused. He narrowed his eyes. The dice had, of course, rolled out to a seven. Loki and Thor gulped as the Viking lifted the dice and dropped them on the ground again. Seven. He rolled them again. Seven. And again. Seven.

The Viking straightened and took a step towards the brothers, who began warily backing away. "_I knew it!" _he bellowed. "_Your dice are loaded!" _

Thor took this opportunity to pull out his lyre again and pluck a little tune for effect.

Loki rounded on him, fury in his eyes. "_What?!" _he snatched up the dice. "You gave me _loaded dice?!" _he demanded. The raven-haired man then turned to the crowd imploringly. "He gave me _loaded dice!" _He dashed over to a guard wielding a sword and pointed to Thor. "Arrest him!"

Thor puffed out his chest and crossed his arms. "You dare to impugn _my honor?!" _he demanded. He turned to another guard. "_He _was the one who was cheating! Arrest _him!" _he pointed to Loki accusingly. "He tricked these sailors and took their money!" he gestured to the Viking and his comrades.

Loki scoffed, giving Thor a disbelieving look and placing a hand over his chest. "Now _I'm _the thief?"

Thor, looking imperious, nodded boldly. "Yes!"

Loki seized Thor by the wrist, spun a guard around, and pointed to the guard's fur cape. The fur of the cape was so glossy that you could see a reflection in it. "Take a look in the mirror, Thor!" Loki spat haughtily.

Thor wrenched his wrist out of Loki's grip and glared at him. "Why, brother, you had better give them that money back, or I'll—!" he looked around helplessly a moment, desperately looking for something to threaten Loki with. Finally, he snatched a sword from a nearby guard's belt and brandished it at Loki. "En guarde!"

Loki narrowed his eyes, edging towards another guard, spotting the hilt of a blade at his belt. "En guarde yourself; I shall give you the honor of a quick and painless…" he grabbed the hilt of the blade on the guard's belt and pulled, producing—a—tiny dagger. "Death?" Loki paused, looking at the miniscule weapon in his hands. "…But not with that…" he grabbed another hilt on the guard's belt and produced a sword to match Thor's. "Ha! Now… let's fight fairly!"

In a moment, their swords were crossed, and the two men stared each other down across the blades of steel.

"Well, any last words?" Loki snarled, pushing hard against Thor in an attempt to make him step back.

Thor smiled wickedly and pushed back. "I will cut you to ribbons!"

"Fool!" Loki pulled back and their swords danced for a moment, flashing and clashing. "Such mediocrity! Let your sword do the talking!" he challenged.

Thor let out a booming laugh. "I will, and it will be lachrymose to a fault!"

Loki paused and stared at Thor. "…Your sword will be lachrymose, Thor?"

Thor paused as well, letting his sword hang by his side. "Well… I've heard you say such big words as that before… Am I not allowed to use big words as well?"

By this point, everyone in the crowd watching looked confused. Hadn't this just been a fight to the death…?

Loki sighed. "Thor, if you're going to use big words, use them _correctly. _Otherwise you look like an even bigger dunce than usual. _Lachrymose _means prone to crying. If your sword were lachrymose, it would be depressed. Now what were you _trying _to say?"

Thor considered, tapping the tip of his saber on the ground thoughtfully. "You said to let my sword do the talking… and there's some word you use to say 'talkative' sometimes…"

Loki tilted his head, thinking. "…Ah. Loquacious. You were thinking of 'loquacious', brother."

"Lovely word," Thor grinned. "Now. Back to—"

"Let your sword do the talking!" Loki exclaimed, his sword suddenly ringing against Thor's again, and suddenly they were locked in mortal combat again.

"I will; it will be loquacious to a fault!" Thor boomed out, laughing.

"That works so much better," Loki snickered. "It would have been so much better of a line if I didn't have to _help you _with it…" He jabbed his sword towards Thor's abdomen. "Ha!"

"Aha!" Thor returned by blocking Loki's blow and returning with a jab of his own.

Loki deflected Thor's attempt and laughed heartily. "Oh, you mincing, prancing _twit!" _

"Loki, you fight like my sister!" Thor cried, forcing Loki to back up and hit his back against a wall of a building. Loki managed to jump up onto a nearby wagon to avoid certain loss, and Thor jumped up to continue the battle there.

"Thor, I fought your sister; that's a compliment!" he grinned wickedly.

Thor gasped comically. "Blackguard!"

"Heathen!" Loki returned.

And now the duel migrated to the rooftop of a building, high above the gaping onlookers. They gasped as Loki slipped and fell backwards, barely managing to fend off Thor's relentless swordsmanship. The younger brother winced as Thor's blade got a little too close for comfort.

"Thor, if you cut me, I swear I will hit you over the head with your own mallet… again!" he whispered frantically as Thor's blade once again flashed precariously close.

Thor finally disarmed Loki, flipping the hilt out of his hand and pointing both of the points at Loki's neck. Below, the onlookers let out sounds of amazement and anticipation as they waited to see if Thor would finish Loki off.

But instead of delivering the killing blow, Thor pulled Loki to his feet, and they held their hands in the air, as if they had just finished a winning performance.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Loki called down. "We've decided it's a draw!" He flashed everyone below a dazzling smile… particularly the guards that glared up at them, just itching to throw them into the stocks.

"Thank you all for coming; you've been great! See you soon!" Thor winked down at the swooning women. He then threw down the borrowed swords he and Loki had used, and they planted themselves point-first in the ground before the guards.

"Far vel!" Loki called, and then he and Thor disappeared over the other side of the building's rooftop.

Up in Asgard, Heimdall watched the spectacle from the Observatory. He had always been relaying the king of his ex-sons' latest antics. Odin never seemed to be pleased by the news… but the Gatekeeper couldn't really see why… Thor and Loki were really rather funny, and entertaining to watch. Not to mention clever. Although, he had to admit, he preferred to see the trouble they got into when they _weren't _on Asgard. No, seeing their troublemaking from a distance was far more enjoyable than witnessing it firsthand.

**Note from LoquaciousQuibbler: Well, here we are… Loaded Dice, eh? As you can probably see if you've ever watched Road to Eldorado, this scene is basically straight from the movie, just Thor and Loki-fied. I did change some little bits around… like the "loquacious" bit. Thor wouldn't know such an awesome word as loquacious… but Loki would… so yeah. Also, it is indeed not Eldorado that they shall be discovering… but Norumbega. According to reliable sources such as Wikipedia, it was supposedly discovered by some Scandinavian explorers who claimed to have found a civilization of riches in the New World with very clever people. However, no one else ever found Norumbega. Hence, Norumbega instead of Eldorado. Norumbega is also said to have been located around the northern United States… Maine area. But yeah, never found. **

**So… what did you think? Please favorite, follow, and review. **


	3. Chapter 2: Stowaways

Chapter 2

Stowaways

Thor and Loki made their escape by dropping over the other side of the roof of the building they had fought on. They dropped to the ground, and Loki stumbled, but managed to stay upright as his feet hit the ground. Thor, on the other hand, fell onto his bottom.

Loki looked down on him with superiority. "It appears gravity is still working… but anyways, congratulations. That was good."

Thor smiled and stood up. "Indeed, very good."

"Brilliant performance—" Loki broke off with a yelp as he felt something touch his elbow. He glanced down to see… _something… _chewing his shirt sleeve. He screeched and jumped back, colliding with Thor as he stared at the beast.

It was large and hairy, and moved forward to gnaw on Loki's shirt again.

"Thor, what's it doing?!" Loki asked frantically, backing away.

Thor looked at the creature as it took hold of Loki's sleeve in its jaws again and started chewing methodically as Loki stared, paralyzed. "It's a yak, Loki," Thor explained.

"Well, why is it trying to eat my _shirt?!" _Loki demanded, trying to yank away to no avail. He looked to his older brother for help.

Thor considered, looking between the large, hairy animal and his brother. "Ah!" he snapped his fingers. "Your shirt is green, Loki. Perhaps it thinks it is grass?"

Loki tried to tug his shirt away, but the yak grunted and tugged back. "It's not grass!" he protested. "Stupid animal; it's _cotton!" _He looked to Thor again.

Thor blinked. "Perhaps we should have kept the swords…"

Loki glared. "Yeah." He looked down at the yak, devouring the sleeve of his shirt. "I've got a plan, Thor," he said slowly.

"Alright, what?" Thor inquired.

Loki glanced up. "You… take off your shirt."

Thor frowned but slowly began to obey. "But Loki, my shirt is red…"

"He'll think it's an apple," Loki dismissed.

"And then what?" Thor asked.

"You give him your shirt," Loki said. "And I'll… _Ruuunnn!" _he took off as fast as he could, and the yak tore a long strip of green cloth from Loki's shirt as he made his getaway. Thor ran after his brother as the yak started to give chase.

"Oh, thanks a _lot, _Loki!" he shouted, yanking his shirt back over his head as he ran.  
>With the yak chasing after the two brothers, they rounded a corner and stopped dead as they came face to face with an angry mob of the people who had watched their game with the loaded dice.<p>

"There they are!" a guard shouted, and the mob started forward.

Loki and Thor exchanged panicked looks, glanced behind them to see the yak still running to catch up and eat the not-grass of Loki's shirt. They glanced at each other again, and then dashed in opposite directions, entering houses on either side of the street.

The yak barreled right into the crowd of Vikings and guards and townspeople, scattering them in a commotion.

Loki and Thor then emerged from the houses they had each run into through the back doors, meeting up behind the pandemonium of yak and people.

"Bye! Thank you!" Loki called over his shoulder as he and Thor dashed down the street once again.

The crowd heard and turned, giving chase once again. The yak, spotting its lunch again, also ran after the pair.

"Well, that wasn't the smartest thing you've ever done," Thor panted as they continued running, throwing a furtive look back at the crowd.

"I'm well-aware, Thor!" Loki snapped. "This way!" he ordered, grabbing Thor's arm as the crowd started to catch up to the brothers.

Thor yanked Loki down another turn, and they ran down a rocky path between two buildings. But then they skidded to a halt as they realized they were about four feet from a steep cliff.

"Brilliant navigation, Thor," Loki muttered, glancing down the precipice. Far below was the bay, lined with docks where the various Viking ships landed and departed.

"How was I supposed to know it led to a cliff?!" Thor protested. He glanced backwards at the yak and mob, quickly catching up. He peered down the cliff. All the way down at the bottom was a pair of barrels, clearly filled with liquid. He looked at Loki out of the corner of his eye. "I bet we can make that," he nodded down at the barrels far below.

Loki looked down the cliff at the barrels. Then back at Thor in horror. He looked backwards at the gaining mob and yak. With a morose look at his torn shirt, he sighed. "Two gold bits says we _can't." _

Thor grinned. "You're on!" He grabbed Loki's shoulder and pulled him as he dropped off, and they both fell. Both of the men let out shouts and yells as they plummeted towards the ground below. They were either going to land on the bone-breaking rock, or the life-saving water in the barrels. Thor and Loki squeezed their eyes shut as the landing drew closer…

And there was a splash, and they were both enveloped in the chilly water of the barrels. They opened their eyes in surprise to see the darkness around them, and feel the cold.

"Well…" Loki said slowly. "Either we're dead, or—"

"You lose!" Thor said triumphantly.

Loki grumbled, and tossed two gold bits out of his own barrel and over to Thor's. Then he felt his own barrel wobble, and he squeaked in surprise. "Thor?" he asked nervously.

"You felt it, too?" Thor asked worriedly. "Your barrel moved?"

The ex-gods could not tell, but their barrels had been hefted onto the shoulders of a pair of helmeted Vikings, and they were being hoisted up to the gangway of a Viking ship, swarming with sailors.

"What is happening?" Loki asked in slight panic as, once again, his barrel wobbled.

The Viking carrying his barrel tripped slightly, making Loki knock his head against the wooden side of his container.

"Loki, all I know is that we're both in barrels," Thor said seriously. "I swear to you, that is the _extent_ of my knowledge."

"Yes, your knowledge is always so _limited," _Loki snapped accusingly. The Viking carrying his barrel tripped again, and his head once again hit the side of his barrel. "_Ow!" _he grumbled, rubbing his head and peering around in the darkness of his barrel.

The Vikings carrying both of them finally set them down on the deck of the ship, propped against the wall of a cabin.

"Hey!" Thor exclaimed excitedly from within his barrel. "We've stopped moving!"

"Observant," Loki replied sarcastically. "I hadn't noticed. My head is still slightly spinning from _hitting _it…"

"Loki," Thor said warningly. "Focus. What's the plan?" He waited expectantly for his brother to think of something genius.

"Um… my head hurts." Loki yawned. "Take a nap?"

"_Loki!" _Thor protested.

Loki sighed. "Fine, fine. Okay. So… on three, we both jump out of our barrels, and we'll head for the dock."

Thor immediately brightened. "Oh, good, good. I like that plan."

"Of course you do. It's brilliant," Loki scoffed. "_I _came up with it. So, on three."

"One… two…" the brothers counted together.

The Vikings returned, and they placed a large and heavy statue of Odin on top of the barrels.

"We send our prayers to you, Odin Allfather, for a safe and fruitful journey to the New World," one of the Vikings growled gruffly, tipping his horned helmet to the statue. He then turned away and stomped off, leaving the large Odin-statue on top of the two brothers' barrels.

"…_three!" _Loki and Thor finished. With all their might, they shoved upward on the lids of their barrels. Neither one of them managed to lift the lids off. The wood of the lids creaked, but there was no success otherwise.

"…_three!" _they said in unison again, pushing up on the lids. Nothing. "…_three…" _they tried again. Nothing.

And the Viking ship slowly pulled away from the dock, the dragon-shaped head on the prow fixed in a frozen snarl at the mysterious mist it entered. The sailors on board went about their business, pulling lines and steering, rowing and shouting. The huge figurine of Odin remained on the pair of barrels as good luck for the voyage. And underneath the stone likeness of the god-king, Loki and Thor toiled at freeing themselves from Odin's rather impressive weight.

Five hours later, Thor was still trying to escape from his barrel by pushing the lid up as he and Loki chanted "Three! Three! Three!" Loki, on the other hand, had quit actually trying about four hours ago. He absentmindedly picked at his fingernails as he chanted "Three! Three! Three!" with Thor and making strained groans, as if he _was _trying. But honestly, he wasn't going to continue pushing up on the lid of the barrel. He could, however, pretend that he was. Just for Thor's emotional sake.

Loki sighed and leaned his head back against the side of the barrel. "Three!" he faked a groan of effort, and heard Thor's barrel lid creak slightly at his trying. Loki rolled his eyes. There was no point to trying to push up on the lid. He paused and frowned, narrowing his eyes. He tapped slightly on the side of his barrel. "Three!" he chanted with Thor, and faked another groan of exertions. But he focused on the wood of this barrel… it was weak. He rapped softly on it again. With the right amount of force… "Three!" he chanted robotically, and feigned another groan. Then he roughly kicked one of the planks of his barrel, and he heard a slight splintering sound. He brightened.

In the other barrel, Thor said "Three!" with Loki for what felt like the trillionth time. He had lost count somewhere after "one," but it felt like he said it for the trillionth time. He wasn't particularly good at keeping count. He hefted upward with his muscular arms again and again, hearing his lid creak. Why wouldn't it open? Surely… next time. Next time he pushed up on it for sure.

Loki slammed against the planks again on the next "Three!" and a single plank fell away. He grinned in triumph. Soon the barrel would be broken into mere chips, and he could get out.

"Three!" Thor pushed upward again. Nothing. Hmm. Maybe the _next _time he pushed upward, he would be able to lift the lid off. "Three!" Nope. Hmm. Maybe _next _time.

Another few _three'_s later, Loki slammed his whole weight into the side of the barrel, and it exploded open, crumbling into splinters. "YES!" he shouted, jumping to his feet.

The statue of Odin, now only supported by one barrel and not two, tipped with an ominous groan. It fell to the wooden deck of the ship with an earsplitting crash, and Loki winced as it shattered into a million tiny stone fragments.

In the other barrel, Thor shouted, "_Three!" _and pushed upward. To his astonishment, it lifted, and he appeared out of the barrel, lid held over his head. He paused. "Ah…"

He looked around. Loki stood a few feet away, fists raised in the air in triumph. Around him were scattered bits of wood, evidently from his own barrel. And in front of them both was a mess of rock. It was absolutely unrecognizable as anything but scattered fragments of rock. But perhaps at some point in the past it had been a statue. Difficult to tell.

Loki awkwardly cleared his throat. "Ahem." He glanced at Thor nervously. "Well…" he glanced back at the deck. Vikings of all shapes and sizes—though all were frighteningly muscular—leered at the pair of brothers. "Did… ah… anyone want some…" he gulped and tapped a bit of broken rock with his foot. "…gravel?"

But evidently the Vikings were not interested in gravel. Or excuses, of which Loki and Thor attempted to make many ("I'm your mother's cousin's niece's father's best friend's sister-in-law's son, and this is my brother! You don't remember me?!" and "I _distinctly _remember being a pickle at some point…. I think the gods turned me into a man for a reason! Don't you want to honor the gods by allowing me to continue life as a man instead of a pickle? What? That big heap of rocks _was _a statue of a god…? Ah. Sorry about that. But really! I used to be a pickle! This must be a sign!" being key among the various stories they tried). Soon, though, both Loki and Thor were clapped in irons and hauled into what they could only assume was the captain's cabin.

Loki turned to glare at Thor as the door to the captain's cabin opened. "Thor, I just want you to know that I blame you for this."

Thor blinked. "What? Me?"

Loki nodded.

"But-!" Thor started to protest, but then they were shoved to their knees and tossed into the captain's cabin. The brothers' eyes widened as they looked up at the hulking figure before them.

A burly, muscular man stood before them, frowning down on them intimidatingly. He was, in fact, not of the regular Vikings. His skin was a deep color of dark brown, and he had only one eye. In place of the other eye was an eye patch, which only added to the man's intimidation. He wore a Viking helmet, which covered his scalp, and a very long, furry trench coat over his leather armor.

"It's… its _Fury," _Thor breathed to Loki in awe. Indeed, a famous Viking, ruthless and who was going to embark on an expedition to the New World—and suddenly both brothers realized they had somehow ended up _on _that expedition.

Fury reached up and lifted his horned helmet off of his head to get a better look at the stowaways.

Loki and Thor glanced at each other… and snickered. Fury was bald.

Fury glared down at them. "My crew was as carefully chosen as the einherjar of Valhalla. And I will not tolerate stowaways… or you're snickering!" he cut himself off in what would have probably been a rather intimidating speech to match his presence.

"But…" Thor giggled. "Your head… it's… shiny…"

Fury narrowed his one eye and scowled down at them. "Just for that little comment, you get double the flogging I was _going _to assign you."

Loki shot a mutinous look at Thor. "And _that, _Thor, is why I blame you."

Thor immediately sobered and didn't giggle.

Fury straightened his furry trench coat and self-consciously replaced his horned helmet back on his head. "As I was saying… I will not tolerate stowaways. You _will _be flogged… double flogged. And then when we put into Rome to resupply, by Odin, you will be flogged some more. And then you'll be enslaved on the wine-making grape vineyards for the rest of your _miserable _lives." He nodded to the Vikings standing at the door, and he turned away, disgusted with the fact that he even had to assign punishments to stowaways. "To the brig."

Thor glanced at Loki. "On the positive side… Wine!"

Up in the Observatory on the Rainbow Bridge, Heimdall shook his head in exasperation.

Odin strode in, arms crossed. "Has something happened? I could have sworn I felt a kind of disturbance…"

"Ah, that would be because a statue in your likeness, to which a crew of Vikings offer their prayers, was smashed into a million and a half tiny fragments," Heimdall replied absentmindedly.

Odin sighed. "Oh. I hate when that happens. Is that all?"

Heimdall sighed. "No… It was actually Thor and Loki who broke it. They have stowed away on a Viking ship accidentally, and are now going to be prisoners until they are enslaved on the grape vineyards of Rome.."

Odin frowned curiously. "…how, may I ask, does one _accidentally _stow away on a ship?"

"It's a very complicated story, my king," Heimdall shrugged.

Odin humphed and grumbled something under his breath. "Anything else?"

"…Yes…"

"What?"

"Allfather… they are the most amusing thing I have ever witnessed."

Odin blinked his one eye in surprise. Then he frowned and stomped off, grumbling something under his breath.

Heimdall just shrugged to himself and turned his eye back on Midgard to watch some more. Odin could do or say what he liked. But honestly… this was… hilarious to watch.

**Note from LoquaciousQuibbler: Heheh. Yes, I just did that. Fury is Cortes. Yes, I just went there. XD **

**You've noticed, I'm sure, that I'm now moving on to adding more into the story, and changing scenes around slightly. The yak instead of a bull… Statue of Odin on top of the barrels… Loki escaping the barrel by breaking it, and the statue falling and breaking, and Thor popping out of his barrel… yeah, there were a few interesting differences ;) Hope you found them amusing… **

**And I'm sorry this took so long between updates. I haven't given up on the story… I'm just busy with a lot of other stuff at the moment, too. **

**Please let me know what you think of all this so far in a review, and favorite and follow! :D **


	4. Chapter 3: Fruitless

Chapter 3

Fruitless

A Viking man, dressed in fur and leather and with a horned helmet on his head, crossed the deck of the ship, humming a little tune to himself. In his hands, he held a bowl full of apples, which he was taking over to Fury's cabin.

The man paused as he passed an animal, attached to the mast of the ship with a chain. The creature was gray, and a beautiful one… it was a horse…

With eight legs.

The Viking grinned and rubbed one hand down the eight-legged horse's muzzle fondly. "Hey there, Sleipnir. How's our shamanic war horse doing today?"

Sleipnir snorted slightly and stretched forward to snatch an apple from the Viking's bowl with his teeth. The Viking jumped back quickly.

"Ah, ah, ah," the Viking said sternly. "Fury says you're on half-rations. Captain's orders, and I can't disobey them." He started to turn away, and Sleipnir stared after him huffily.

Sleipnir missed Asgard. The Aesir were so much nicer as masters than these Midgardian Vikings were. The Allfather, Odin, would _always _let him have apples when he wanted them. And his mother, Loki, always had a few extra snacks for him to eat. These stupid Vikings, though… they wouldn't let him eat whenever he wanted. He snorted out through his nose. Being Fury's war horse wasn't nearly as pleasurable as being Odin's steed. Morosely, the gray eight-legged horse watched as a single apple fell from the bowl the Viking carried, and it rolled lazily across the deck. Sleipnir sighed slightly as it merely fell through the grating in the deck, falling out of sight.

The apple fell through the iron grating, and it plummeted down into a room below the deck, small and empty except for two people. The fruit landed on the chest of Thor, who was propped up against the wall. He jumped in surprise when the little fruit hit him, and he curiously picked it up. He frowned at it and then smiled. He and Loki hadn't eaten in what felt like a very long time.

His eyes glanced back over to Loki. The younger brother was… in fact… repeatedly and rhythmically pounding his forehead against the wall.

_Thud. Thud. Thud. _The incessant sound hadn't stopped for hours. First, Loki had taken to pacing the small below-deck cell in the hopes of thinking of an escape plan. But after no ideas had come to him from that method, he had taken to trying to brainstorm out loud. But that had also proved fruitless, as he had simply begun ranting about how this was all Thor's fault and if he wasn't so stupid they wouldn't be in this mess and Thor should quit glaring at him like that and put the bloody wooden mallet down and don't you raise that thing at me and—

Well, Loki had been forced to stop brainstorming out loud. And finally he had just started hitting his head on the walls, hoping that _something—anything—_would come to him, allowing him and Thor to escape. His forehead was sore.

Thor tossed the apple into the air and caught it again, his eyes on Loki.

_Thud. Thud. Thud. _

Thor cleared his throat and shifted over to Loki. "So… how's the escape plan coming, brother?" he asked, trying to sound brighter than he felt.

Loki just let out a huff. "Absolutely nothing, Thor. Now please just shut up so I can think of a way to get us out of here. So far my attempts have had _nothing _to offer."

Thor snickered slightly. "Oh, Loki… believe me. Your attempts at planning haven't been entirely…" he held up the apple in front of Loki's eyes. "_Fruit_less!" he wiggled his eyebrows, proud of the pun.

Loki turned slowly and looked at the apple. He looked up at Thor. "Fruitless," he repeated blandly. He gave Thor a disapproving look. "Unless you can figure out an escape plan based purely on that apple, Thor, _yes, _my planning so far has been fruitless. No matter how pun-worthy the fact that you somehow got your hands on a fruit."

Thor huffed. "_I _thought it was funny…"

"Thor, you find a _rock _funny. Your sense of humor is terribly primitive," Loki dismissed.

Thor continued to watch Loki as he resumed pounding his forehead on the wall.

_Thud. Thud. _Loki paused. "Hold on. I'm getting something…" _Thud. Thud. Thud. _"Alright," Loki said conspiratorially, a small smirk forming on his lips. He flopped onto the floor and looked at Thor.

Thor blinked. Loki had an impressive bruise on his forehead, along with a blossoming black eye. Awkwardly, the blonde cleared his throat. "I'm listening. Go on."

Loki took a deep breath and then said in a hushed voice, "Alright. Here it is… In the dead of night, you and I shall sneak on deck." He traced his finger over the dusty floor of the room, leaving an outline of what could pass for a ship. "We'll grab some provisions…" he picked up a few bits of copper to represent their provisions. "We'll hijack one of those longboats…" he took Thor's wooden mallet and set it on the floor, handle pointing upward in some semblance of a longboat. He dropped the bits of copper on the flat part of the hammer around the handle to illustrate their putting provisions in the longboat. "And then we'll row back to Scandinavia like there's no Thorsday!" He shoved the wooden mallet, and it skidded across the floor to symbolize their leaving the ship traced in the dust on the floor.

Thor followed the progress of the wooden mallet. It only made it about a foot before it tipped over, scattering the bits of copper that had been its burden. "Hmm."

"Okay, forget the part where it tips over," Loki snapped. "What do you think of the rest of it?"

Thor forced his eyes away from the hammer that had knocked over. He looked at the slightly-deranged eyes of his younger brother. "Well…"

Loki's eye twitched slightly at Thor's not responding and agreeing immediately.

"I think it's brilliant!" Thor said quickly. "So… that's our plan so far?"

"Mmhmm," Loki answered.

"We just… sneak on deck, grab provisions, steal a longboat, and then _row _all the way back to Scandinavia?" Thor queried delicately, trying not to sound like he was insulting Loki's idea.

"Hmm. You're right… there needs to be more to it," Loki said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "Alright. Here's the plan." He reached over and scooped up the copper bits and hammer again. "Alright. In the dead of night, you and I sneak on deck. We grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats…" He was repeating the same motions he had the first time he had explained the plan.

Thor sighed. "Loki…"

"_Wait! You haven't heard me out yet!" _Loki protested, jabbing a finger at Thor. "_After _we hijack a longboat, but before we actually row back to Scandinavia, we set fire to _this _ship in retaliation for keeping us prisoner. And _then _we row back to Scandinavia like there's no Thorrsday, leaving the burning remains of Fury and his crew," He now looked quite proud of himself. "What do you say? Commit a little arson?"

Thor blinked, staring at his demented, maniacal brother. "Uh…"

They both paused and looked up as they heard a loud whinny from the deck above. Thor got a thoughtful look. "Hmm…" he looked to Loki.

"Okay, I've got an idea, Loki." The blonde stood up, tossing the apple he still had from hand to hand. "Okay, brother, you've got to give me a boost here," he gestured vaguely upward to the gaps in the iron grating.

Loki slowly stood, giving Thor a queer look. "Give you a _what?" _he asked disbelievingly.

"A boost, Loki! Just help me up so that I can see up on deck!" Thor beckoned for Loki to come closer so that he could be lifted up.

Loki scoffed, crossing his arms and glaring as he drew closer. The younger man puffed out his chest and scowled. "You want _me _to give _you _a boost? You think I'm some beast of burden? I'm not a pack mule that you can just tell to 'give a boost,'" he curled his fingers into air quotes. "So don't be idiotic. I'm not a—_hey!" _

Thor ignored Loki's protests and jumped onto his back, scrambling up to stand on his shoulders and peer out the iron grating, much to Loki's displeasure.

Loki staggered under Thor's weight, almost falling over as Thor firmly planted his feet on Loki's shoulders. "_How dare you, you dull creature!" _Loki protested, trying to shake his older brother off to no avail.

"Loki, do stop moving so much!" Thor reprimanded, remaining upright on Loki's shoulders with some difficulty as the man beneath him swayed dangerously. "Now go to stand under the iron grating so I can see out!"

Loki grumbled something about 'humiliating' and 'absolutely ridiculous,' not obliging.

Thor looked down at his brother from his perch. "Come now, Loki." He lifted one foot and tapped the side of Loki's head with his foot. "Giddyup, pack mule."

Loki growled in frustration, and, with some difficulty, he staggered over to the floor just below the grating with Thor still balanced on his shoulders like some great conqueror.

Thor gripped the iron bars with one hand and held onto the apple with the other. He squinted out at the deck of the ship, eyes narrowed. "Ah…" his eyes landed on the gray stallion a little ways away. "Loki, it's Sleipnir! The eight-legged horse Fury has for his mount!"

Loki sighed exasperatedly. "Yes, Thor. Done sightseeing now? Can you get off my-?"

"Shh, Loki!" Thor demanded, tapping the side of Loki's head with his foot again.

Loki grumbled and then waited.

"Psst! _Sleipnir!" _Thor whispered loudly, trying to draw the attention of the stallion. He thrust his hand, still clasping the apple, out through the bars. "_Sleipnir! _Would you like an apple?"

Sleipnir's ears flicked as he heard a voice, whispering his name and something about an apple. . He glanced around, ears swiveling. He looked down. Over there… underneath that iron grating the apple had fallen through. The horse's eyes widened, and he drew nearer slowly. A hand was protruding, holding up an apple.

"Sleipnir, come here, boy!" Thor hissed.

Sleipnir stared as he got even closer. It was… _Thor! _His uncle, Thor! His mother's brother! What could he possibly be doing here on Fury's ship? Holding up an apple for him?

"Alright, boy, if you want this apple," Thor said coaxingly, "you're going to have to do a trick for us!"

Sleipnir cocked his head to one side. It seemed there was something wrong with his uncle. He didn't seem as… _noble. _He seemed to no longer have the power he had once commanded. He seemed, in fact, to be… _mortal. _But how could that be?

"All you have to do is find us a pry bar," Thor said slowly, as if talking to a stupid animal. "A long piece of iron, with a kind of… ah… Loki, how do you describe a pry bar to a horse?" He looked down.

Sleipnir's ears perked up considerably at this question. Loki? Was his mother down in under the iron grating, too? He hadn't seen his mother in a year!

"Thor, you're an absolute idiot," Loki said derisively.. "Honestly. Ask the _horse _to get us out of here."

Sleipnir pawed one of his front hooves against the wooden deck in excitement. It _was _his mother! Only his mother could be so sarcastic, and he recognized that voice anywhere!

"Well, he appears to be a very smart animal," Thor argued. "Now how do you describe a pry bar to a horse?"

"I'd describe it as a straight bar of iron or steel, with a working end in the shape of a chisel and often slightly bent to be used as a lever," Loki said bitterly.

"That's too complicated," Thor scolded. "How could you say it so that a horse would understand?"

" Well, I'd tell you, but unfortunately I don't speak horse," Loki snapped.

But suddenly there was a _clink _as something fell to the floor, landing a few inches from Loki. Both brothers looked down to see a circle of iron, and a key attached to it.

"Ah…" Thor said blankly.

He jumped slightly as the apple from his hand was snatched by Sleipnir, who neighed in both amusement and approval. The horse would, of course, do anything to ensure that his mother was freed from the hold of Fury's ship. His uncle, too. Even if they, for some strange reason, didn't seem to remember that he was Loki's son and Thor's nephew. Oh, well. They had to remember sometime. After all, it was _their _fault he was here on this ship, serving as Fury's war horse.

Thor jumped down from Loki's shoulders and picked up the key ring.

Loki brushed off his shoulders self-consciously and glared at his brother. "Well… it's _not _a pry bar," he said haughtily.

Thor inspected the key on the ring. "Hmm. Perhaps not… but it _is _a straight piece of iron or steel with a working end in the shape of a—"

"Oh, shut up," Loki snarled, snatching Thor's hammer and bopping him over the head with it.

In the Observatory up in Asgard, Heimdall was rubbing his chin in amazement.

"What news of my sons, Gatekeeper?" Odin asked as he strode in.

Heimdall turned, smiling slightly.

"Have they been enslaved on the grape vineyards of Rome yet? Are they being punished?" Odin asked, almost sounding hopeful.

Heimdall chuckled slightly. "No, not yet. In fact, they're working on an escape plan. They may, in fact, be able to escape their enslavement in Rome."

Odin let out a humph and started to walk out again, but Heimdall called after him.

"Allfather, there is something else," Heimdall added.

Odin turned with a sigh. "And what would that be?"

"They found Sleipnir!" Heimdall sounded considerably brighter than usual.

Odin blinked. "…They… what? They found Sleipnir? My horse? Why, he's been missing for a year—"

Heimdall was nodding. "Yes, he's been missing for a year. As it turns out, while Loki and Thor were in their drunken stupor the night before you banished them, they managed to let Sleipnir free of the royal stables. Your sons then set him loose on Midgard as some sort of prank." He shook his head. "Eventually, Sleipnir was captured by a Viking named Fury. Your grandson has been serving as a Viking war horse for a year, my king."

Odin said nothing for a long moment, thinking the information over. "So… Thor and Loki let my horse free… on Midgard. And… then Sleipnir became a Viking war horse. And… now Thor and Loki have found him again?"

Heimdall dipped his head in acknowledgment, suppressing a smile. "Of course, _they _don't remember Sleipnir. Sleipnir remembers them, though... That would be _your _fault, Allfather."

The king let out a long breath through his nose and then stormed out of the Observatory, muttering under his breath.

Heimdall shook his head. The only words he caught from Odin were something about "I want my horse back."

**Note from LoquaciousQuibbler: Yes, we have introduced Sleipnir to replace Altivo from Road to Eldorado! And… yes, Loki is Sleipnir's mother… it just adds some level of even more humor to this fic… So. Yahh. Good times, good times. Thanks for the favorites and follows and reviews, you guys! **


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